I wasn't planning to cry at work on Thursday. I wasn't planning to share any of this publicly. But life happened two days before this livestream, and I had to make a choice — do I show up performing "fine" like I've always done? Or do I let y'all actually see what's going on? I chose the second one. And that choice is the whole reason this conversation needed to happen.
Why Do High-Achieving Women Pretend to Be Fine When They're Not?
Here's what I've had to confront: most of us aren't waking up and choosing to be dishonest about how we're doing. We're not putting up a wall on purpose. It's more like we just stopped expecting anyone to truly want to know. So we don't offer it. And they don't ask. From the outside, people see us succeeding. They see us doing the thing. They say "wow, how are you doing all of that?" And on the inside we're thinking... when do I actually get to enjoy any of this?
The more we keep up that facade — even unintentionally — the more we deny the people around us the chance to show up for us. We keep wanting so deeply to be seen while simultaneously not allowing ourselves to be seen.
Does Pretending to Be Fine Actually Make Things Worse?
Yes. And I say that from experience. I tried to push through on Thursday. I was at work, I had a full day ahead of me, and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. Everything was making me more upset. And the more I tried to contain it, the worse it got. Finally I pulled a coworker aside — someone who knows some of my story — and through sobbing tears I told her what was going on.
They had never seen me upset. Not once. But those two women kept an eye on me all day. Made space for me to step to the back. Came to check on me. And sometimes that's all we need.
If I had kept pretending, nobody would have known. Or worse — they would have just thought I was being moody and mean. Not knowing that I was carrying something real. Letting them in — as hard as it was — was the thing that actually helped.
If that last part stopped you —
If you realized you've been wanting to be seen but haven't been letting anyone in...
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How Do You Find People You Can Actually Be Honest With?
I started small. I chose to put myself out there with a couple of people and just watched how they responded. If they made space for me, I kept going. I leaned on them. I kept showing up honestly. Did I always pick the right person? No. Sometimes I thought someone was safe and they weren't. That's hard. But it helped me get better at recognizing who actually had capacity to hold space.
You need more than one person. Different people are good for different things — one person for in-the-moment processing, another for reflecting after the fact, another for just sitting with you and saying "that absolutely sucks and I'm sorry." You won't know who fits where until you start trying. It's like dating. You don't figure out the details until you get out there.
What Is the Difference Between Emotional Dumping and Emotional Releasing?
There's a difference, and it matters. Emotional releasing is letting someone know you're not okay — letting them listen, letting them ask questions, letting them be present. Sometimes all you need is for someone to say "man, that sucks." Emotional dumping is pushing someone to solve your problems for you. That's nobody's job but yours. Not your therapist's, not your coach's, not your mom's.
You're not piling on someone by being honest. You're piling on when you hand them the responsibility that belongs to you. Keep that in mind if you've been holding back because you don't want to be "too much."
What Does Vulnerability Actually Look Like When You're the Strong One?
Here's what was going on two days before this livestream. My dad has been visiting from Nigeria, and on Tuesday he sat me down to convince me to have children. We'd already had this conversation. I told him I'm not having kids. He thought I was joking. He got manipulative. Stormed out of the room. Asked if I was a lesbian. Asked if I had a medical issue.
None of those things. I just chose not to have children.
The real pain hit the next day when I was getting a birthday card for him and picked up my baby picture. And it clicked — how dare this man who wasn't around for me demand that I give him grandkids? You missed your chance. I was the chance. And you dropped the ball.
I let myself fall apart at work. I let two people see it. And they showed up for me in the quiet, steady way that actually helps. Not with solutions. Just with presence.
What Does Softness Actually Look Like in Real Life?
If we say we want softness — to have needs, to be human, to be held — then allowing others to see that part of us is not weakness. It IS softness. Letting your tears fall. Letting someone know you're not okay. Letting people be surprised that you're not always "on." That surprise is actually a good thing. It reminds them — and you — that you're human and you need support too.
I used to be the woman who would go in the bathroom, pull herself together, and come back like nothing happened. I'm not doing that anymore. Not at work, not in my relationships, not anywhere. Because I don't want the hard knock life anymore. And pretending I'm fine has never once gotten me closer to the life I actually want.
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